Death

The death of my heart, 6th of May. RIP.

This emptiness in me, is not my weakness, it should be my strength, cause when everything is destroyed and broken down, no one can ever destroy me again. I have nothing to lose.

yours truly,
Daniel.

Nothing, by the script

Am I better off dead
Am I better off a quitter
They say I 'm better off now
Then I ever was with her
As they take me to my local down the street
I 'm smiling but I 'm dying trying not to drag my
feet
They say a few drinks will help me to forget her
But after one too many I know that I 'm never
Only they can see where this is gonna end
But they all think I 'm crazy but to me it 's perfect
sense

And my mates are all there trying to calm me
down
' Cause I 'm shouting your name all over town
I 'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around
I know that I 'm drunk but I 'll say the words ,
And she'll listen this time even though they 're
slurred ,
So I dialed her number and confessed to her ,
I 'm still in love but all I heard was nothing
( nothing , nothing. . . )

So I stumble there, along the railings and the
fences
I know I 'm with her face to face, that she'll
come to her senses
Every drunk step and path leads me to her door
If she sees how much I 'm hurting
She' ll take me back for sure

And my mates are all there trying to calm me
down
' Cause I 'm shouting your name all over town
I 'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around
I know that I 'm drunk but I 'll say the words ,
And she'll listen this time even though they 're
slurred ,
So I dialed her number and confessed to her ,
I 'm still in love but all I heard was nothing
( nothing , nothing. . . )
She said nothing (nothing nothing)
Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh I got nothing
Nothing
I got nothing
Nothing
Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing

Oh sometimes love 's intoxicating
Oh you' re coming down your hands are shaking
When you realise there 's no one waiting
Am I better off dead
Am I better off a quitter
They say I 'm better off now
Than I ever was with her

And my mates are all there trying to calm me
down
' Cause I 'm shouting your name all over town
I 'm swearing if I go there now
I can change her mind turn it all around
I know that I 'm drunk but I 'll say the words ,
And she'll listen this time even though they 're
slurred ,
So I dialed her number and confess to her ,
I 'm still in love but all I heard was nothing
( nothing , nothing. . . )
She said nothing (Nothing , nothing . .. )
Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh I got nothing ( Nothing , nothing. . . )
I got nothing ( Nothing , nothing. . . )
Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh I got nothing ( Nothing , nothing. . . )
I got nothing, I got nothing

This songs reminds me of myself, though I know I need to be strong, but guess I still might take some for tonight, just to get to bed. if not it will be sleepless, as I am wide awake now.

here without you, day 5

I am finally sick and tired of drinking myself to sleep, waking up, drink and sleep again. Fuck that, I don't need alcohol to go to sleep, I am stronger than that.

I know that if I want to be successful, I can't dwell like this anymore. I notice, what is wrong with myself d, I am actually not piss with my dad, nor with my friends in the past. I am afraid of the feeling of being betray and the feeling that I will end up betraying ppl. all these feelings are trigger by my sudden fall, by me giving trust, by me trying to do what I think is right, and the fact that things turn up worst hurts and trigger my thinking. But I know I should put a stop to this.

Master Yoda from star wars said this "Attachment leads to jealousy and insecurities, train to let go everything your afraid to lose. " and what I wrote on my older post says that, by letting go of certain perception, I will be happier. So I decide that its time for me to be happy. its time for me to learn to let go things that I am afraid to lose, or to be like.

I am sorry dad, for all these rude days, we are family, and I should be thankful that I still have you.

yours truly,
Daniel

here without you, day 4

#nowplaying, utopia, and the man that can't be moved. These two songs been playing in my mind again and again. the lyrics that we use to tease each other "your holding my hands but you don't understand" has came true. Given if we are holding hands now, I doubt that we can read each other as we can in the past.

I don't know what has gone wrong, but I really don't feel like giving up, cause your certainly special to me, and I can't past one day without thinking of you. Though, the outcome don't just lie in my hands, effort from myself is not enough, and I guess your not ready to put in the effort as well.

Sometimes i think, we are like a ship that sail the ocean, with a beautiful start. Then came the storm, now we are wreck and lost in the middle of deep blue sea, don't know what to do.

Though, I think I can be like the lyrics of the man that can't be moved. "if one day you wake up, and you find that your missing me" don't need to wonder where on this earth that I could be, just call me, and I will be there. Hopefully by then, your ready to give me and yourself a chance, to love and be loved, and be thankful for the presence of each other.

yours truly,
Daniel

here without you, day 3

its been three days, wondering if you thought of me ? I hope its a yes though.

anyway, today was a boring day, and I decided to download some songs. Those songs that I downloaded are some how or rather related to you, at least there is memories bout you in it.

well, there is fireflies, which I remember you sing a very cute line from it, on our way to picadilly. there is also, waiting for the end and two is better than one, which we sang by the road side after new years. there is love like woes, a song that describe your treatment towards me. there is need you, a dedication from you to me. there is what are words, that you spam all the time. there is fix you, when your emo, and there is the newest emo song, when we noticed we are so far away, Spanish guitar...

enough said, conclusion is that I miss you, and what we had. really feel sad for what we had become.

yours truly,
Daniel

here without you, day 2

hmmm, guess it will be the second day in a role that we dint talk. I been thinking of you, wondering how are you and all. I been quite silly also, I had a dream that you texted me, though I woke up in disappointment, checking my phone, finding it empty.

Then in the day, I saw a movie, it was about Valentine, it brings out memories of us spending Valentine together. I remembered every detail, it was so clear. it was a Monday, you had mgt presentation, I was eager to surprise you, knowing that you had such a long and bad previous week. lol, it was a failed surprise though, as you know most of the things already. but deep down inside, I really hope that you still see my effort like a soh zai to at least cheer you up. I really want you to be happy. though I remembered, that night ended with argument from both side, about our status, and about some other family stuff.

though, there is one thing that I really like that night, you told me that I was special to you. I still remember it till now.

you may wonder why don't I text you, but the reason is that I am afraid, afraid that you won't reply, afraid that we will fight again and jeopardize our wreck relationship again, afraid that you will reply just for the sake of layaning me, and not because you want to text me too. Apart from that deep down inside, I been wondering too, when am I gonna hear from you. I sincerely miss you and never felt this way before. Hope that maybe this distance between us will bring us closer, and you will think through things, and maybe reconsider things between us.

yours truly,
Daniel

here without you. day 1

its been a long time since I have posted anything. This time however, it will be rather different, it will be my feeling rather than thinking or ideology.

I guess by now, Its safe for me to say, that I am here without you and news from you for a day already. I miss you, as well as getting your text, talking to you till late night. I miss all our memories, it was so beautiful. Recently however, everytime we talk, we will end up fighting, or worst still silent treatment from each other.

I tried almost everything to spice things up, I tried almost everything to stop fighting. but it just won't work, when your the only one trying. and now I am tired, so dam tired with life and with a fair share of my own problems.

Its is sad, how a once beautiful budding relationship can turn out this way. I also feel sad that, what I thought was the right thing to do, loving you with my all, turns out to be a wrong thing to do, and what hurts most is that even you feel that way.

Though hurt and alone now, I am still holding on to you, in my dark room blogging away. My loves for you, our once beautiful past, and a hope for a happy future together with you, are my only source of energy left. I doubt that you will read this, but if you do, I hope that no matter what happen in the future, you will be safe and happy at all times. Don't want you to cry, and feel sad at all.

yours truly,
Daniel